How Did We Get Here?

–From The How Did We Get Here Series–

Now: Leslie Thompson woke up from a perfectly good nap that she had begun on her beach chair in her back yard next to her pool. Her eyes grew wide as she realized that she wasn’t wearing any clothes and she wasn’t in her backyard. She was in her front yard where a passing car filled with teenage boys with their cellphones out yelled and beeped the horn. She heard pool water splashing behind her. Leslie screamed.

Before: One day before…Larry Thompson couldn’t be more pissed off. Both he and his best friend Seth had planned an afternoon swim in the family’s backyard pool. Larry always had to check before he took his friend back to the pool and sure enough, his fucking sister was back there with her top off sun bathing and effectively shutting down Larry’s afternoon of pool time fun with his friend. It was always a good thing that he checked first.

Today…Larry tried not to be overly nice to his sister so she wouldn’t suspect anything as he brought her a full glass of their mother’s famous iced tea. “Hope you fucking choke on it,” he said as he left. His sister reaching out and sticking up her middle finger at him as he left. She liked to sunbathe nude but that wasn’t why she always took her top off. She knew that Larry wouldn’t bring Seth to the pool if she was nude. Larry was many things but he could be a proper gentleman when he wanted to be.

After taking a big gulp of iced tea, Leslie slid her bikini bottoms off just to be extra sure Larry wouldn’t be bothering her any time soon.

It only took about 15 minutes before Leslie fell fast asleep. The sedative Larry slipped into the tea working much faster than he had anticipated.

Larry and Seth causally entered the backyard and grabbed either end of the lawn chair. They carried both the chair and Leslie out of the gate and towards the front of the house, careful to make sure no one was watching and no cars were driving by at that particular moment.

Proud of their achievement, they both turned around and headed back into the pool area for a peaceful hour of rest and relaxation…sister free.

HDWGH – Story 21 – Supermarket Shuffle

–From The How Did We Get Here Series–

Now: 71 year old grocery shopper Helen Ford is standing in front of the local grocery store in handcuffs. Police have her surrounded and are in the process of interrogating her. She is obviously confused and terrified.

Before: Gordon Hoffman was late for the “drop.” His regular girl Abby couldn’t make it this morning so the daily cocaine drop for the day was left up to a kid named Jordan Wilkerson. The drops were always made in plain site at the local grocery store. So far, no one in his drug chain had been arrested or even questioned. Who would think that drug deals were happening in the grocery store? Gordon thought the whole idea was brilliant.

Jordan looked at the hand written instructions with a bit of puzzlement. He had issues with dyslexia but he often sometimes omitted or added words that weren’t there. To Jordan, the note read “Look for a 71 year old woman. They will be near the cucumbers at precisely 0815. All you have to do is slip the package into the open carry bag that will be around their shoulder.”

What Jordan actually read was “Look for a 17 year old man. They will be near the cucumbers at precisely 0815. All you have to do is slip the package into the open carry bag that will be around their shoulder.”

Gordon Hoffman was still 5 minutes away from the store…so…

On time and on cue, Jordan dropped the drugs into Helen Ford’s purse at precisely 0815. He had certainly got the time and place right. This story would have stopped right there…except for one other thing.

While getting her purse out of her handbag during checkout, the drug pouch fell out and spilled all over the counter. The check out lady was Marcy Walker whose son Gabriel had a serious cocaine problem so Marcy knew instantly what it was, let out a few curse words in Mrs. Ford’s general direction, and called the police.

–From The How Did We Get Here Series–

Now: Twelve year old Roxanne Davis is standing under a tree in her neighbor’s yard. She is soaked from head to bare toes in urine. She is doing a bit more than crying. It could actually be called wailing. The boys in the treehouse above are trying desperately to remain quiet.

Before: Tom “Scooter” Johnson and Randy Perry loved their new treehouse. They loved everything about it except for one small detail. They had to climb down what seemed like a million foot holds if they needed to take a pee. They loved to climb, but seriously? Since Randy was the brains of the outfit, he decided that they could use a small pail and just pee in that. When no one was looking, they could just dump it out over the side. No one would ever know and they could stay in the treehouse for a longer period of time.

Once the pail filled up, Tom picked it up and looked down below to make sure that no one was standing around. From his vantage point, the coast was clear. He dumped the pail over the side. About a second later, he heard a combination of screaming and crying. The boys looked over the side and at first, couldn’t see anything. After a minute or so, a young girl emerged from under the tree. She was drenched from head to toe in urine and crying. Randy whispered to Tom about the statistical possibilities that must have been involved in dumping the urine on that precise location.

It was a feat of precision that only two boys in a treehouse could appreciate.

HDWGH – Story 19

–From The How Did We Get Here Series–

Now: Nort Portwinkel lays face down on his families bathroom floor, dead. He is nude except for what is left of his tee shirt proudly displaying the words “Quiet Riot” with a curling iron sticking out of his rear end.

Before: Nort Portwinkel’s sister Katie was starting to piss him off. She had been in the bathroom for about an hour an Nort needed to get ready for a concert in the city’s downtown baseball stadium. It was one of his favorite bands of all time. Katie kept telling him that she’d be done soon but it was becoming obvious to Nort that she was just being a bitch. She had nowhere to go. He did.

Nort decided to accelerate her departure by breaking the door in. When he did, he found his sister sitting on the toilet on her cellphone completely nude and utterly mad and embarrassed. She had been “sexting” her boyfriend this whole time. Katie not wanting to be the only one embarrassed pulled her brothers pants down revealing his absence of any underwear. Now, we had an awkward situation to say the least. Nort began to spew profanities at his sister until she had had enough.

She picked up her legs and kicked Nort driving him back into the bathroom counter where Katie’s hot curling iron was plugged in awaiting her use. With the perfect alignment that only ever happens once in a lifetime, the curling iron did two things at the same time. The sudden force caused an electrical short while it entered Nort’s rear quarter. Nort didn’t have time to scream. The electricity ravaged his body until he fell to the bathroom tile dead with a smoking tee shirt. His sister just stared straight ahead still nude and wondering how she was going to explain any of this.

HDWGH – Story 18

–From The How Did We Get Here Series–

Now: Wyatt Ford sat on his porch with a hammer in one hand and a look of utter sorrow on his formerly angry face. A box full of mangled pieces of plastic, aluminum, and glass sitting at his feet. A crumpled note at the bottom of the box reads “To my weird brother, may this brand new iPad Pro serve you well in whatever weird shit you may get into next. Love, Sis.”

Before: Wyatt Ford was not a very patient man. His impatience grew in intensity as the front doorbell rang while he was in the middle of shall we say, extra curricular activities. At his front door was a UPS delivery driver with a box addressed to Wyatt. He signed the device and decided to open it on the porch. It was a nice day after all. After about 5 minutes of fighting with the packaging and basically no closer to opening the box, Wyatt went into his garage and brought out what he considered to be the most appropriate tool for the job. A hammer. Wyatt’s technique worked and soon the box was opened. He was so angry that the contents of the box didn’t fair too well. He didn’t really recognize it before in all of his rage but there was a note at the bottom of the box.

HDWGH – Story 17

–From The How Did We Get Here Series–

Now: Amy Jo Foster is hanging upside down in the driver’s side of her minivan. The minivan is upside down slowly coming to a stop as it spins on the frozen ground. It is winter. Amy’s minivan is sitting in someone’s hedges just slightly off the roadway. As the responding police officer walks up to her side of the minivan to see if she is ok, the door is ajar and a little silver vibrating toy falls from the minivan and into the snow and continues to vibrate. Amy is crying.

Before: Amy Jo Foster couldn’t explain what it was about Vince Lobos that made her feel the way she did. Every time she laid eyes on him her body started to tingle in the places where you wanted your body to tingle. The problem was that he barely noticed her. This morning after watching a video about practicing your personal assertion techniques she felt brave enough to ask Vince out on a date. They worked in the same office but in different departments so dating was allowed by HR.

She dressed up a little more than usual this morning. She wanted everything to be perfect. She jumped into her minivan and headed for work. On the way, she started fantasizing about being with Vince. It was at this point when she decided to utilize external stimulation and reached into her purse for her little “friend” as she called it.

It was at the height of the biggest orgasm she ever had that she realized she had ran through a stop sign just in time to see a Toyota pickup truck hit her in the rear quarter just enough to tip the minivan over onto it’s roof sending it sliding into the nearby hedges of the house on the corner. Her legs were shaking and disbelief rolled through her body. She just hung there inside down for about 10 minutes. Then, the police arrived…

HDWGH – Story 16

–From The How Did We Get Here Series–

Now: Pete Giovanni is face down in his salad plate in front of him. At this point, we’re not sure if Pete is dead or just napping.

Before: Sarah Giovanni spend most of the afternoon preparing one of the family’s favorite meals. One of the last parts of this culinary masterpiece was the beloved gravy. However, when Sarah went to grab a jar she realized she didn’t have any more.

Without another thought she grabbed her face mask, grabbed her coat, and grabbed her car keys and hurried down to the local store. Much to her horror, they were out of the exact brand of gravy that her family enjoyed. Sarah gave it some thought and decided that rather than ruin the entire meal she’d make a substitution. The day was officially saved.

Later that evening, the family sat around the dinner table. After the tradition of saying “Grace” Pete looked at the delight in front of him. He picked up his fork, picked up a rather large portion, and gingerly placed it in his mouth. It didn’t take long for his look of pure joy to turn into absolute horror.

“What is this?” He yelled at Sarah.

“I had to substitute the gravy sweetheart, we ran out and the store didn’t have the brand we like.”

“I can’t eat this. This is disgusting!” Pete exclaimed.

With a tear forming in her eye, Sarah told Pete she was sorry and picked up his plate and took it into the kitchen.

The children heard Sarah walking back from the kitchen. Then, the children heard the sound like the chime of a deep church bell and then Pete doing a face plant into the salad plate in front of him.

Sarah was standing behind him with one her favorite frying pans.

I guess you could say that Sarah didn’t appreciate the feedback.

The children promptly ate their meal smiling as they did so.

I am often asked why my HDWGH (How Did We Get Here?) stories have so much nudity in them. Is it a direct reflection of my personality?

The short answer is no. Although I would consider myself a closet nudist which covers most people I believe, that isn’t the reason why I include a lot of nudity in my stories.

To me, the nudity is funny because of how other people in the United States view it. I watched a young woman change her top in Marseilles France in a McDonalds and nobody cared. Try doing that in the US. The United States has a weird view of nudity and it is always fun to exploit it.

I have a neighbor that has no problem letting her teenage daughter play violent video games where both sides are actively trying to kill each other but has a serious issue with her seeing nude people.

What is wrong with that? Everything.

You will continue to see stories involving nudity on my site and I will continue laughing every time I write them.

— From the How Did We Get Here Series —

Now: A modern SUV is upside down in the middle of a country road.

Before: Johnny Parks had some serious trouble on his hands. His mother just bought him a ferret and now he found himself chasing it through the house. The darn thing was fast! It wove under the dining room table into the kitchen and oh no! The cat door on the other side of the kitchen. Johnny ran as fast as he could but the ferret was faster. He didn’t even get a chance to name it yet. Before Johnny could get the door open he heard a loud screeching sound followed by a bump or two and then nothing. When he finally got the kitchen door open, the ferret was up on his hind legs looking at Johnny with a look of “what?” In the middle of the road, an SVU was still spinning on it’s roof. Little Johnny wondered over to the driver side door when the car stopped spinning and simply said, “You can’t park there mister.”

— From the How Did We Get Here Series —

Now: A cat lies smoldering on the kitchen floor with what looks like an electrical cord hanging out of its mouth. The cat was dead a few amps ago.

Before: The small mouse couldn’t find a way out of the impossible maze that was the Peterson’s first floor wall. It had been trying for what seemed like an eternity. The mouse started feeling a bit heavier as its small rear leg caught on a cable. It didn’t stop. It pushed forward. The Peterson’s house cat Felix caught the motion out of the corner of his eye. It was a mouse! The mouse was also dragging something. Felix leap into action. As his sizable canines began to clamp down on the “string” the live electrical line found a path to ground. Poor Felix became the electrical kitty cat resistor bursting into flames shortly thereafter. The mouse broke loose from the hinderance on its leg and moments later, found a way out of the Peterson’s home.

— From the How Did We Get Here Series —

Now: Little Kyle Peterson sits on the sidewalk feeling a bit lightheaded with a stinging pain coming from the right side of his head. He has no idea why.

Before: Tammy Hess was doing what her friends expected her to do. Smile to the boys as she was walking down Chestnut Avenue on the way to the local 5 and dime. Her friends seemed so hollow and talking to boys seemed pointless but who was she to judge. Her friend Murt stopped just long enough to begin a dialogue with a boy named Kyle. Tammy immediately noticed a small facial tick every time Kyle would respond to Murt’s stupid questions.

Without knowing why, Tammy picked up a rock and walked over to Kyle. She stood in front of him and waited for the “tick” thing to happen again. When it did. She hit him in the head with the rock.

— From the How Did We Get Here Series —

Now: Sutton awoke to find herself upside down, hanging from her feet, a crowd gathered around her, and a sense of dread that she had decided to simply wear just a sun dress today. With the dress pooled at her neck, she was fairly certain why there was a crowd.

Before: Sutton was enjoying some of the best sushi she had ever tasted. This little out of the way restaurant was a great find on her recent tour of Tokyo. It had none of the usual English lettering on the signs out front which meant that very few English speaking people visited this place. With only her and what looked like a small family on the other side of the restaurant, this day couldn’t be any more perfect.

Until she got a call from Steve, her ex-boyfriend who just happened to be on this tour because “he paid all of that money…blah…blah…blah.” It didn’t take long for an argument to ensue about things that really didn’t matter and could probably have waited.

They probably should have waited. Because…

The small family on the other side of the restaurant wasn’t really a “family” in the traditional sense. They were a form of Yakuza. What Americans might refer to as “mafia” and they were quite upset about having to listen to Sutton’s issues while trying to enjoy a break in their day. While walking out, one of the members slipped a little Rohypnol into her Saki.

They could have simply killed her and left her in a side alley but that was a bit too uncivilized for this particular crime.

Some rope from a car, a few school boy giggles at the nudity in front of them, and a ruined lunch time meeting turned out to be the meme that keeps on giving.

Moral of this story: Always carry some rope and Rohypnol with you. You never know when you’ll need it.

— From the How Did We Get Here Series —

Now: Chester Portnoy is standing in what is left of his kitchen with an official Elon Musk Boring Company Flame Thrower in his hands. Chester is the only thing standing in the remains. He is relatively unharmed. A fly is sitting on the barrel of the flame thrower.

Before: It had been at least 60 seconds and Chester had enough. He was minding his on business trying to get through the sports section of the morning paper when a fly decided to make an appearance. It was most certainly unwelcome as far as Chester was concerned. After many futile attempts to kill the fly with an old ESPN magazine, he decided to take things to the next level. Being 80 years old had its privileges after all and Chester knew how to kill a fly.

Chester makes his way outside to a small detached garage and brings out his trusty flame thrower. Overkill, perhaps. The fact was that Chester had simply had enough. He didn’t want to be bothered by anyone let alone a fly. The fly is sitting on the rim of his coffee cup when he reaches the kitchen. That was the last straw. Chester turned on the flamethrower and…boom. In a split second, Chester’s kitchen was a memory. If Chester has known about the small gas leak, perhaps he would have chosen another weapon. In any event, the fly survived and the kitchen and Chester’s ego did not.

Fly = 1 Chester = 0.

This story was based on a real event that recently took place in France. You can read the story here.

— From the How Did We Get Here Series —

Now: Two brothers are sitting in an office across from each other with glitter paint all over them and the rest of the office. A few women are looking down at their clothes in horror. A couple of them have obviously peed themselves.

Before: Tom and Troy wanted to pull off the perfect prank on their troublesome next door office neighbors. The plan was to shoot a few gallons of glitter paint through their open skylight panel and down onto the unsuspecting people in the nearby courtyard. Unfortunately, Tom and Troy were never really good at science so they made the spray port a few millimeters too small. When the “elephant paste” type contraption was initiated by the mixing of the appropriate chemicals, instead of shooting the glitter paint out of the top nozzle – the glitter paint blew apart the plywood base and covered the entire office along with all of the spectators. A few weeks after this event, the entire company was evicted from the building for destruction of private property.

— From the How Did We Get Here Series —

Now: A crowd gathers around a dead man’s body in a NYC alley.

Before: Amy was at the end of her rope. Gary was lying to her about seeing another woman. She knew what the signs were. Change in routine, changes in appearance, etc. As Gary was on his way up to the 15th floor of their apartment building, Gary stepped on an inflated ball of some-kind. He lost his balance falling through the staircase window and 15 stories to his untimely death. The inflated toy went out the window with him but the forensics report will show no DNA connecting Gary to the toy. The only person who knew what actually happened is lying dead on the concrete below. What Amy will take away from this is that Gary must have committed suicide rather than admit his affair with a woman that Amy only suspected of existence but didn’t know for sure and based on her suspicions the police will rule it a suicide. Little Bobby McBride will be wondering where the hell his cheap soccer ball is and no one will be correct in their understanding of what has actually happened here.

From the How Did We Get Here Series

Now: A middle aged man is standing next to his brand new BBQ grill with a look of shock on his face. A face that has warm brown gravy all over it.

Before: The plans had been set the night before according to Audrey’s memory of events. Jim would just have to wait an extra night before firing up his new grill. They had plans to visit her parents for dinner this evening. Jim knew it. She told him. Several times. Audrey arrives home from work to the smell of backyard BBQ wafting through the neighborhood. Without missing a beat, Audrey goes into her kitchen and pulls out a jar of Heinz Brown Gravy and because she’s not a total barbarian heats it up in the microwave for a minute or so. After walking out to the backyard and finding Jim cooking on his new grill she smiles and then proceeds to dump the gravy all over his head. No words. Just gravy. Man.