In using much the same logic as this article, I have a new headline.

Stories about man-made global warming are killing about 500,000 per year.

I figure since they can just make up numbers then by damn, I can too.

Here’s some of my new statistics.

1. One in three will die from a disease that is directly related to global warming.

2. Birth rate is on the decline. Abortion? No. Global Warming. Yeah, it’s now killing our babies.

3. Global Warming is the reason why your drinking water tastes so funny.

4. Global Warming cost me the 9th grade spelling bee.

5. My podcast quality has been impacted by man-made global warming.

6. Why is it so hot? Global Warming.

7. Why is it so cold? Yep. Global Warming.

8. Global Warming is keeping me from reaching my potential as the number 2 man in a “Wildlife Style” barbershop quartet.

9. Global Warming kills at least 25,000 of my sperm per day!

10. Global Warming has killed Al Gore’s personality.

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