I usually don’t post this one. This particular one caught my attention and just struck me as hilarious.
May 2021
HDWGH – Story 34 – Dingleberry Johnson
–From The How Did We Get Here Series–
Now: It was at the bottom of the 5th inning when Cletus Johnson looked up at the big display in the ballpark. In bright blue letters it read, “For a good time, call Cletus “Dingleberry” Johnson. He always gives you a little extra.” In traditional ballpark fashion, the ad was quickly replaced with a live shot of Cletus and a look on his face that would eventually become a meme.
Before: Angela Johnson had been married to Cletus for nearly five years. He was a good man. He was kind. He loved her deeply and as far as she knew, he was absolutely faithful. What she was having a problem with was her husband’s dingleberries. It was one of those things that you see and then can never get out of your mind. She first saw them a couple of weeks ago and they haven’t had sex since.
She tried to tell him about it. Tried. It was extremely difficult to come up with a way to broach the subject. “Hey, honey. I’d like to talk to you about your dingleberry problem.” Angela and Cletus didn’t have that kind of relationship. Certain things were never discussed.
It was Angela’s friend Kerry that had come up with a novel idea. Cletus loved to go to baseball games. It was something that she and Cletus did not do together. She hated sports.
Writing Through Pain
A great article and couldn’t be timelier for me.
Grief is the ultimate thief of creativity. As artists, we have a duty to observe and experience those poignant moments so we can better portray them in our art. But experiencing them isn’t always conducive to our deadlines. Grief is different than your run-of-the-mill writer’s block. There is the desire to write, the words are there ready to be put on paper but the energy to put pen to paper is lacking. The normal remedies of researching, journaling or even reading no longer work.
Read the whole article here.
Weird Series of Events
I would start this sentence with “so” except that every time you do, I think a small child dies somewhere.
I was on the fence about going to my brother’s funeral. Why? There are any number of reasons but the main reason is that there are people there. Anyone who knows me to any extent knows that I have a social anxiety problem. I’ve had it all of my life and the only times I ever tried to do anything “social” someone else pushed me to do it.
If left to my own devices, I’ll stay away from public events. It has absolutely nothing to do with COVID-19 although lets face it, the whole thing was great if you don’t like being around other people.
The morning of the funeral I was outside rounding up some pool supplies for the weekend. I’m getting read to shut the make-shift gate and I look up to see an SUV hitting his breaks right before he T-Bones another vehicle at the intersection in front of me.
I took this an a sign. A sign that I should possibly stay at home and not jump into a motor vehicle. I don’t drive because the law says I can’t. I don’t drive because I don’t want to drive. I fell out of love with it a long time and many trucker accidents ago.
My brother was killed in a single vehicle accident. He was driving and wasn’t wearing his seat belt. Everyone else was. They lived. He did not.
In summary, I know I haven’t put up a post in a couple of days. So, this is it.
Jesus. I used the word “so” to start that last sentence. I feel dirty.
HDWGH – Story 33 – Fowl Clairvoyance
–From The How Did We Get Here Series–
Now: Chad Hess stood on the pier with a look of disgust and heart break as Nicole Harris told him that she would not marry him and that his present condition was obviously a “sign.”
Before: Chad Hess had arranged his marriage proposal with careful precision. Nicole Harris was extremely superstitious and he knew he would have to be very careful. He would need to check and re-check every plan he was making to make sure it met with Nicole’s approval. Nicole had turned down another marriage proposal when her soon to be husband received a letter in the mail informing him of an upcoming tax audit. Nicole took that as a bad “sign” and called off the engagement. Chad was not going to allow that to happen to him.
He took Nicole out to the local pier to the beautiful spot at the very end looking over the glistening blue water. This spot was one of her favorites. Chad knew he couldn’t go wrong. Chad got down on one knee.
When a seagull left an extra special gift on his right cheek. Seeing the warm specimen slide down Chad’s cheek was all she needed to see the situation for what it was.
Services Update
It looks like I am going to attend the services for my baby brother because in this instance, it would seem completely wrong for me not to attend.
My brother and I weren’t really close in the latter part of his life but we were close in the first half.
That is how I will choose tom remember him.
The little guy that was excited about everything. He used to be a little fireball so full of energy and wanting to try everything.
He loved riding around with me on my Suzuki Quad Racer when he was little and thought it was the greatest thing ever.
We always thought the he would be the one to go off to college and change the world as we knew it.
His life took a different path.
I believe that this path is the very reason we need to attend a service to mourn his passing this week.
R.I.P. Little Brother.
Jony Ive’s Commencement Address
This is absolutely fabulous from someone who doesn’t really feel comfortable giving speeches.
Funerals
I’ll tell you why I think funerals are archaic and stupid.
It is because they are not about the person who actually died. They are about a bunch of people who knew the dead person and who come together to make themselves feel better about the loss of the person in the box. In a lot of cases, it is almost like a reunion of people who are connected and by the death of someone, have decided to reconnect.
Again, not about the dead person although everything may appear that way. The dead person really doesn’t give a shit about the gathering. In fact, they aren’t even aware that it is happening. What is the point of throwing a party for someone who can’t attend?
That is wrong to me.
R.I.P. – Aaron Allen Patrick Troutman
The name may not mean anything to my readers but that is the name of my little brother.
He died last evening in a car accident.
I am still trying to process that fact that he is gone.
HDWGH – Story 32 – Easter Surprise
–From The How Did We Get Here Series–
Now: Jessica Simmons looked up from the holy water in Saint Michael’s Church’s vestibule to find three priests staring at her with crossed arms and shocked looks on their faces. Brown chunks of biological matter floated around in the holy water. Jessica wasn’t sure but at the moment the priests arrived, she might have a peed a little into the holy water.
Before: Jessica Simmons was upset with her parents about having to go to Sunday Easter services alone. She never understood why they made her go to church when they themselves did not go. It was no matter. On Easter morning she woke up and ran through her usual routine. When it came time to dress, she picked one of her favorite sundresses, and decided to paint her nails to match the dress. With finger nails and toe nails ready, she began getting dressed. First, the panties and bra, followed by the slip, and then finally the sundress. She looked in the mirror and marveled at how good she looked.
She left her small house and began the short two block journey to the Catholic Church named Saint Michael’s. It was an over the top throw back to the times when church mattered more to folks than what it seemed like now, she thought. As she approached the church, she removed her flats and continued the journey in her bare feet. The sun was warm and she felt so beautiful. Until, she accidentally stepped in a big steaming pile of dog poo. The feeling of shit squishing between her toes almost made her vomit. The smell was excruciating.
She had a plan. It was early enough that the priests wouldn’t be out greeting anyone just yet. She got as much of the shit of her toes as she could without touching it by wiping her toes in the nearby grass and then proceeded into the church vestibule. Right in the center, right where she expected it to be, was the holy water fountain or whatever the proper term was. She didn’t know and didn’t care. She set her shoes down on the small bench inside the door and jumped up planting her feet in the Luke warm holy water. She wasn’t sure if she should say a blessing, prayer, or simply ask for forgiveness.
Hopefully, she could get cleaned up and no one would see her.
Obituary Madness
I find it immensely entertaining to read the obituary pages of my local newspaper.
Why?
Well, because of all of the bullshit in the short articles about each person. I’m not talking about wild claims of how good of a person they were. No. I’m talking about something even more hilarious.
It is the part that claims that they went somewhere that has me a bit baffled.
John went home to be with the Lord.
No. He didn’t.
He died. John went nowhere. He ceased to exist as John and became a near useless pile of biological matter. People can’t get their heads around death as a concept.
We simply can’t just die. We know all of these things. The human spirit lives on.
None of those things are true.
Death is a very appropriate word even if most people don’t understand what it truly means.
Big Toe Fun
I was in a very big hurry to get my Amazon packages off the front porch when (much to my surprise) I slammed my big toe into a section of the house and broke it open.
It hurts.
It doesn’t hurt as much as I think it should which kind of scares me a little. Since I go barefoot so much, I may just have tough feet.
It was a stupid thing to do and most people would not admit their stupidity.
I will.
Mother’s Day
Found a nice history of Mother’s Day this morning.
I’m pretty sure I’ve always believed that Hallmark created it but they did not. They just profit from it which went against the wishes of the person who officially founded it in the U.S.
I live in a nudist colony. Hence the picture.
Unrecognized
This is the first time that I can remember that I don’t recognize any of the names on the famous birthdays page of the newspaper.
HDWGH – Story 31 – Movie Theater Madness
HDWGH – Story 31 – Movie Theater Madness
–From The How Did We Get Here Series–
Now: The whole audience turned back in their seats to look at a very naked Marissa James riding young Jared Harper’s cock. Marissa’s immediate guess as to the undivided attention may have been timing. The action on the screen gave way to complete silence for the first time during the movie as Marissa had one of the biggest orgasms of her life. She thought the movie would mask the moans. It did not. Oops.
Before: Marissa James wanted to fuck her boyfriend in a movie theater. It was on her bucket list right up there with joining the mile high club. She loved sex but what really made her super horny was the notion of getting caught. That was why sex in public places appealed so much to her. She completely stripped out of her clothes in the library last week in a section that people rarely visited. The selfies were priceless. She just finished buttoning her blouse to cover her rock hard nipples when the librarian wondered by. Almost getting caught made her so wet that cum dripped down her leg on the way out.
The daring to be caught lifestyle was appealing to her. The parents were a bunch of squares who didn’t have the faintest clue how their VCR worked, let alone have any ideas about what she did when they weren’t around. Her boyfriend suggested that they go see the new Hellboy movie. That would do. “It should be a noisy experience for most of the movie,” Marissa thought to herself.
After parking themselves away from the rest of the audience in the most remote corner they could find, Marissa dropped her dress to the floor revealing…everything. It didn’t take Jared long to pull out his hardening cock. Marissa wrapped her pussy around it and they started getting busy.
Tiredness
I am tired.
That is why you are only getting a drive by post today.
The only thing I can complain about today is the weather. Only the afternoon weather. It rained all of the way into work and I fucking loved it.
Ok. That is all I got.
Apple News
I absolutely love the Apple News app.
The News app on my iPhone that is.
The News app on my computer is something quite different. For me, it all comes down to one simple thing. It is the inability to save anything to Instapaper.
Even though I have the option checked and enabled, it simply doesn’t show up as an option. The only options are apple’s built in choices. So, even though it appears you have choice here you don’t.
Even though I obviously have it checked here…
I think the phone just works better anyway but there are times when I am charging my phone that I’d like to be able to just use the M1 MBP.
Ok. My venting is over.
That Smell!
I am riding back and forth to work again on the bike. I absolutely love it.
While riding home this afternoon after it had been raining on and off throughout the day, I couldn’t help but notice how much the outside smelled. Bad.
It smelled like old socks mixed in with a little chicken shit with a side of hairy ass thrown in just in case you still have a sense of smell when it is all over.
Granted. That is not a professional opinion. I’m sure science types would say “math, math, big words, science, and suck it,” or something along those lines.
It still stinks outside. Maybe we should call the cleaning lady.
That is all I’m saying.
Laying out in the Sun
It wasn’t necessarily warm yesterday morning but the sun was so warm on the skin that I ended up laying out for a while.
I have a much smaller area to lay out in than I did last year because this year I am fenced in. It provides a great deal of privacy and is also help cut down on the noise.
My body reacts tremendously well when sunlight is applied to it.
Who knew?
